Gutfeld! : FOXNEWSW : August 3, 2024 12:00am-1:00am PDT : Free Borrow & Streaming : Internet Archive (2024)

[ ♪ ] >> sean: unfortunately that is all the time we have left this evening. as always thank you for being with us in making that show possible. please set your dvr so you never miss an episode of "hannity". in the meantime let not your heart be troubled. "gutfeld!" is next to put a smile on your face [ ♪ ]

[ ♪ ] >> joe: hi everyone! welcome to a special edition of gov-mac. i am joe machi for lincoln for gutfeld who is on vacation travelling in an undisclosed country. that's welcome tonight's guests. she can be the life of the party at her own awake, fox news anchor julie banderas. he would need to be an traction to be more laid-back, fox news contributor charlie hurt!

she is pregnant and praying that her kid looks nothing like joe devito. new york times best-selling author kat timpf! his uvula is bigger than a punching bag. new york times best-selling author, can a -- comedian, tyrus. >> i'm going to google it. >> uvula? >> joe: it is the thing at the back of your throat. >> i will see it when i punch you. >> joe: we are already off the rails up. before we get to some news stories let's do this. >> greg's leftovers. >> joe: it is leftovers where i use the jokes -- read the jokes that we did not use this week. it is my first time reading these so if they do not suck we

will send me to a golden crown without a shock collar. a mcdonald's worker in georgia started a fire because he thought the drive-through was too busy. as a result some of the food was actually served warm. jimmy kimmel has turned down an invitation to host the 2025 oscars. do not worry producers on the show are still pumped they can find a way to make the show suck. new research shows popular contained dangerous amounts of, stay safe everybody, stop using. researchers say an ancient mommy with this screaming expression it may have died screaming in agony. scientists were able to produce its dying expression.

following the assassination of a hamas leader, the iranian regime has raised their symbolic red flag of revenge replacing their usual flag of chill and good vibes. a plea deal means the death penalty is off the deal for the 911 mastermind. michael moore, vice president trump talked about the, the irish, the african-americans. fellow democrats added those groups should also have their own schools.

finally, doctors in vietnam have removed a 26-inch life ill from the man's large intestine after he shoved it up his. do not worry the patient is recovering nicely and it should be back next week. i would like to start with a monologue. a quick story about the time i went to the post office. mostly male and he'll clippings that i sent to katie paire be. the clerk took one look at me and said you look like you have had too much coffee. i thought it was normal for government workers to immediately roast customers. that i was fat, faults, and looked like he got dressed in a tornado. of course i did not say this to a postal worker. it was not worth getting shot. this made me think that the reason that americans are filled by the government so often it so many levels is that government workers really get fired. we expect less than them then hunter expected from his laptop repair man. look at any government agency

and you will see mediocrity, and competence, and outright failure. for instance, during the pandemic dr anthony powell -- anthony fauci falsely stated that near contact could spread disease. the stigmatized people with aids when they really needed somebody to hold their hand to. what about this easily solvable error? he was quickly promoted to the institute of allergy and infectious diseases. then he was wrong on masks. i had to wear cloth with my snot on it just to buy a doughnut. i buy many, many doughnuts. he was wrong on lockdowns, vaccines, he lied to congress, and retired with the pension. it does not end there. in july 2021 in the midst of a disastrous withdrawal from afghanistan, president biden told us this. >> our military intelligence leaders are confident they have the capabilities to protect the

whole lot -- homeland and any research into terrorist challenge emerging from afghanistan. >> joe: that was as backwards as my ball cap when i arm wrestle. afghanistan fell faster than a helicopter in around. that made saigon look like a flying first class. why does jake sullivan, lloyd austin, and antony blinken still have jobs? maybe so joe biden is not in charge of nuclear weapons. you not -- you may not be aware of this, but she is still running this economy. the list goes on and on like my gift registry at omaha state. we had a space agency without spaceships. we spend billions on ev chargers that never get billed. nobody gets laid off. i would love to hear from nasa pleading to the government so

they can ask the government for help and see how much they suck. the government does not understand incentives and consequences. teachers get paid for time in. you can be a great teacher who makes a difference or you can suck. as long as you do not convicted of molesting kids we all get paid the same. i would be a horrible employee if i did not have to worry about getting fired. i would wear jean shorts on panel. it is that fear of being fired that has me calling greg quad master. after he calls me pork chop. truthfully, being fired can be good. greg has gotten fired numerous times and each time he has moved to an even better job he can get fired from. elon musk and argentina prove you do not need building stacks that accomplish nothing. and so does your favourite late-night talkshow. at gutfeld we have a staff a fraction of the size of those

other shows although i still think we should cut some dead weight. julie, how are you? >> i am so well. >> joe: me as well. cool as a waterbed. >> as a waterbed? >> joe: ever get on a waterbed? >> not since my grandma died in 1970. >> not since my first boyfriend when i was 16. >> joe: okay,, i admit that was a bad ad lib. >> same for me in 1970. >> shut up. >> joe: i will let you guys take over for me. >> the uvula is that little jangly thing in your throat. like when you open your mouth. >> is it supposed to be little? >> usually but he is referring to yours as being the size as somebody's head. >> if it is at the back of your throat do you not know...

>> the back of your throat. >> joe: julie why do we... >> out here with the... >> joe: that is fair enough why do we as americans struggle to hold anybody accountable for the mistakes that they make in government? >> i don't know because nobody takes accountability these days. i think that is why kamala harris is running for president because she should have been fired as well. usually you get fired when you suck at your job. right now unless as you pointed it out you are accused of molestation of a child that is the barn owl. she should have been fired, and devoted, but instead she has been promoted to a presidential candidate. that is the way this works we like to award failures of. right? they let you host.

joe, you know i love you. >> joe: that was a shot across the bow. it is good-natured ribbing amongst friends because we all think that i do a great job. nobody would say i was doing terrible if i was terrible. >> that is a great example. the better example is joe biden who has been here for 50 years and has never been fired. we had this amazing situation yesterday wear as you pointed out in your monologue, ideal extractor for killing, just to be clear, he agrees to plead guilty to murdering 2076 it is set citizens on american soil and then gets a plea deal from the federal government. what does the white house a? we had nothing to do with that. that is amazing. who was in charge? what does anybody have to do to get fired. the one problem with it is is that the reason that joe biden has been in washington for 50 years is because of voters keep sending him back.

voters need to wake up. pay attention. start by voting for better people. >> this is probably a sensitive subject being fired. have you ever been fired? i got fired from telemarketing. >> it close to a firing right now. >> probably. >> i was fired once a from a ruby tuesday. >> joe: what happened? >> i don't think it is best if i share. i got fired but it is so hard when you were in the government to get fired. also because people will fit if it is their side and they do something wrong. they say yes, but this other side did something that is so much worse. you see people gain more and more power and control and they play us against each other while we all lose our rights.

happy friday. >> joe: that is a good point. if you were getting a speeding ticket you can say alec baldwin got away with waivers. >> he did. >> have you tried that? >> joe: no. >> what do you do when somebody pulled you over? i would love to watch you being pulled over. and see the reaction of the officer when you start talking. >> joe: they have a lot of questions that have nothing to do with how fast i was going. tyrus, i can't imagine you ever being fired that would be terrifying. >> first of all, great monologue. i have been fired by the best, usually over phone. never been fired and person. i kind of like that process of somebody half my size having to sit down a front -- in front of me telling me they do not want me anymore. that would be interesting.

you made a tremendous point, when you talked about anthony fauci, that is what happens with the situation and this administration, when you get hired you were only hiring for the way they look. you do not care about performance because if they did he will not be there in the first place. that is why there is no firing because everybody there is the first. you cannot be fired as the first. so they are walking around for two signalling. i do not rely on government assistance so they could to did you do what they are doing. there needs to be a massive firing. to your point, the voters, we can fire them all, we should be firing them all. you should not be writing petitions if your senator or congressman is not doing something. if they are spending all their time on tv talking trash and not doing work you should count those days that you were not doing work and say i am not voting for you. why? you never showed up for the job. again, not being accountable for

anything. until the american people start making these governments accountable or you get somebody in there willing to fire, because that was one of the biggest criticisms of the trump administration would he fired everybody. friends, family members. if you had the wrong colour tie on that day you are out of there. but everybody was on their toes and that is why so much stuff got done. they knew that you were wrong wrong move and competent move from losing their job. that is the way it is supposed to be in these high-level jobs to get so much benefits from. you serve in the senate you get to go to schools and get paid money to speak about how successful you are with your assistance making decisions for you. all of that. we like to laugh at stuff but that is a great point. >> i have to say the fact that a former president was almost killed and nobody has been fired over that that takes the cake right there. secret service, there should be multiple heads should roll. we watched the hearings this

week. unprecedented. never in history has the secret service been so responsible for the death, potential assassination of a president president and nobody has been fired. if somebody is not going to get fired because of the president almost got killed and some innocent person who is in the background got shot and was dead... >> they have murder on their hand somebody is responsible. >> but that sets the bar low it does not get any lower than that. i am all about setting the bar low. low expectations and you won't expect anything from me. >> joe: i agree with everything that you just said except that is the topic that we have for the next segment. i feel this is a good thing. >> that was my pregame. that was. you just wait i have more. >> joe: i am still going to do the rhyme but i feel like we

have given it all away. maybe greg can take notes and learned. before we go this month i am taking a much deserved break from stand up and i will be back on the road this fall. until then you can follow me on rondo, x., and if you were okay with censorship facebook and instagram. up next, more proof, secret service cannot secure a roof. >> if you will be in the new york area and woul

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[ ♪ ] >> a story and five fords. >> joe: trump shooter caught on camera. charlie, it seems to me that not only did president trump dodged a bullet but the whole country dodged a bullet. because had that assassination, god for bid been successful there has been so many missteps it would be hard to convince anybody even decades from now the secret service could be so incompetent to. my question to you is what does the secret service need to secure the president? do we need potential assassins to wear name tags when we go out there? >> that would definitely help. you get a sense from what we have seen in the last couple weeks he would have been better off if everybody in the audience was armed and could have taken the guy out first. it would have all been handled a lot sooner. you are right. the conversation that we are

having today would be dramatically different. the most amazing thing that i think i learned from the hearings is the secret service is 8000 employees with the budget of $3 billion. going back to the first block i had no idea but i mean, how can you have that much money and that much resources with this result. it is indefensible. the most important thing, or not the most important thing, but the important thing at this point is to find the accountability and get to the bottom of it. you have the fbi director coming up, spinning wild conspiracy theories before congress suggesting he was not actually really shot by a bullet. if you are a taxpayer or anybody who does not want our politicians to get shock you have to be wondering who is in charge? why do people not get fired? >> joe: it felt like one person had to step down, kimberly cheatle, and it should

all go away. >> she should have been rehired just to be fired in public. >> joe: that is a good idea. kat, if you are president, god for bid, would you trust the secret service to keep you safe at this point? >> no, i would hire a local redneck. obviously. local rednecks spotted this person on the roof. it was like the secret service didn't notice how was he running on there it is so slanted. it is ridiculous. that is the best they had to offer? even still, we do not have any answers and people of course can draw their own conclusions about what happened to. they think that we are a lot more stupid than we actually are. at the same time they know they have enough power that they do not have to truly, they can get away with stuff like this.

because, like you said, nobody gets fired. i was shocked that she resigned to. >> joe: i agree with you. i was to. you make a great point about the rednecks. they did a heck of a job. that would be fun travelling with them as well because they could all be a motor gang on motorcycles. >> also, i feel like i would not have to worry about what i said around the rednecks. they would be fine. i think they would like me more than dc bureaucrats. i would have a better vibe with the rednecks. >> joe: that is a good point. tyrus, you worked security. did you have any situations that arose like that? >> no, i was good. >> we have literally talked about this ad nauseam but we have to keep talking about it, point out the obvious. when you lay out everything, if

you turn off the volume on that tv if you watch the film and you red where everybody is at from dr jill needing extra security on her security and all of a sudden police officers were not allowed to texas secret service. when you lay it all out and look at it for what it is it pretty much solves itself. what are we going to do about it? more than just floating. like i said, there needs to be a special council. here is the thing to. the firing was to appease the masses. she is gone, problem solved. the differences, this is the seventh time we have seen this movie and in no, not going to be a disney finish that we see. what else do you have? nobody is buying it. it all feels wrong to everybody. every time we talk about this, corey comperatore e. every time. he did not die from shop no. he died from bullets.

we need to talk about his family, their last moments with their father was watching him die as he protected them. this should not take 40 years. who was going to be the one to actually do something about this? this is past firing. the more you talk about it, the more organized the un- organization of all of these random things that went wrong seem more coincidental than random. >> joe: you make a good point, tyrus. you pretty much summed it up in the last sponsor, julia. was there anything else?

>> can you just copy and paste? i think not only to somebody to be fired but somebody needs to be charged with some sort of criminal negligence because of this was a criminal. this was murder, it was murder that could've been prevented it is like have a good accomplice. they knew there was somebody suspicious they said we have suspicious people all the time. really suspicious people with the huge backpack while a forward -- former president with the bulls eye on them already is in the arena age and you do not think that is reason to be concerned. somebody's on the roof and they don't even bother to lick his personal detail by the way we have somebody lingering about here. we cannot find them but i'm sure it will be fine. >> with a range finder? >> holy cow, the other thing is the joint defence system that was down at the time this person was able to fly at your own over the rally and we did not know that he was there because our joint defence is, wouldn't you cancel the rally at that point? say we do not know if there are drones flying overhead but fingers crossed we do not have somebody out there pinpointing the president. it is so disgusting. >> joe: another good point. nobody is calling... and a whole. >> i will not utter this piece of name ever.

>> the more we talk about it the more we see the motive. the more we see this. >> we don't know the motive. >> he ended a 50 year career in one debate. right after he killed medicare. he also killed his career. there is plenty of motive. the attempted indictments did not stick. no everybody around america wants a convicted felon a shirt. prison orange will be the most popular colour this spring could. nothing worked that they tried it. >> joe: we have to wrap on that block. but a quick reminder go see tyrus on tour. he will be in oregon, i do hope, wyoming, and moore. up next, kamala has no forgiveness if you say merry christmas.

meet the jennifers. jen x. jen y. and jen z. each planning their future through the chase mobile app. jen x is planning a summer in portugal with some help from j.p. morgan wealth plan. let's go whiskers. jen y is working with a banker to budget for her birthday. you only turn 30 once. and jen z? her credit's golden. hello new apartment. three jens getting ahead with chase. solutions that grow with you. one bank for now. for later. for life. chase. make more of what's yours.

[ ♪ ] >> it is coming your way. it is a video of the day. >> joe: things will get hairy as kamala catches you being married. car video of the day comes to us from democratic presidential nominee from com la harris. an old clip from 2017 has been on earth where she wants americans not to say merry christmas until there was permanent status for illegal aliens. >> when we all sing happy tunes and saying merry christmas and

wished each other merry christmas, these children were not have a merry christmas. how dare we speak merry christmas? how dare we? they will not have a merry christmas. >> joe: and neither will america if theirs not a job gets elected. what a scrooge. imagine how mad she was when biden said it merry every day last month. she is a hoot at thanksgiving when she screams how dare we eat turkey and cranberry sauce when i have not been installed as president yet? speaking of how dare we speak. make sure you do not speak to miss harris unless you are spoken to. it turns out that common a is a bully. she told an intern to never make eye contact. sounds like greg gutfeld.

except he looks a lot better in a skirt. though, it is easy to avoid eye contact with greg if you were tall enough. it is no surprise that kamala is a bully. after three years of elder abuse if you watch his last press conference you can see leiden -- biden blinking morse code for help me. she has usurped her boss. she copied the joe machi playbook on how to be a talkshow host. kat, if we could not celebrate christmas unless everything was perfect, that means i will not have gotten so many gifts. this is a horrible idea. >> there is always somebody out there who is not have a good merry christmas. that is like the worst person in any social gathering you would

not invoke this -- invite this person to branch. take the politics out of it. later in the hospital, and died. i really think that she thought that she did something there but there was always somebody have a good really bad christmas and one day you will be the one having a really bad christmas. so you should have a good christmas while you can. >> joe: that is the optimism we have come to know here. tyrus, i mean the stock market. >> what the hell? the stock market? tyrus? what is that? >> joe: i was thinking about... i was thinking about how tragic it is that not everybody has a good christmas. >> okay,, i like what you did there. look, i do not agree, i don't

like calling people ignorant just because i do not agree with them on policies or woke and all that other stuff. but having said that she is [beep] ignorant. you do not say merry christmas to the chubby kid with all of the candy canes in the middle of the yard with everything that his rich daddy bought him. you say merry christmas to the person struggling, you are wishing that good things come to them. that is what merry christmas meant. not look at all that i have. stupid. and by the way, you are a successful attorney? your husband is successful. you are the vp of this country. you could not have gone down to target and gotten a ton of toys for the kids. i've done it. let's that it was 5000 children down the way, you could have

gotten your local deliverable buddies of virtue signalling to come down the hill and take pictures with little children when you give them gifts? here is the deal. i promise in december when you are unemployed i will say merry christmas to you. i would have been an awesome liberal. >> joe: julie, also talking about how 91 % of kamala staff has left. even a greg has a higher retention rate. 98 % if his employees have stayed because he has our passports in a safe. this problem is bigger than just an offhanded remark. >> i think it is because the staff is way better and bigger at talking about biden behind his back. i think that first of all it does not surprise me one bit that she has a little bit of --

and her. but f. bombs i have no problem with that whatsoever. i do have a problem with the fact that she is now pooh-poohing christmas for american children. i do care about the children that are here illegally they should not be here. it is not their fault. it is their stupid parents fault. i guarantee she was still celebrating christmas. whatever year it was. 2016, 2017. right? >> yes. >> she would have celebrated. but that is the problem with the politicians. they get in front of the podium and they talk a bunch of bs and they expect us to believe that. that there are illegal immigrants in this country, let alone they should not be celebrating christmas. >> joe: the stock markets are down, the middle east a spiraling, charlie, is this a person we want to have an charge of things? >> look at that clip and she is the candidate to have. she is the single worst candidate to run for president

with a major party nominee to run for president suitably in my lifetime. the record is even worse then she is as a campaigner. which is why she announced that the press is doing everything they can to try to prolong this honeymoon period. whatever they can do to keep her from actually answering questions or doing anything unscripted. if she has to answer questions about the world on fire, or the economy, or the border, or the crime because of the open border, this is the crazy wacko nut job stuff that she is going to say. they would do whatever they can to prevent that. >> joe: keeping a great point about keeping it uninspected -- unscripted unscripted. after my monologue and can be brutal. before we go come see kat. we will be at the winery in nyc with an incredible winery. and then she will be all around the country with special guest gina nelson.

coming up, i

>> coast to coast with stories that matter most. you were watching local news. with emmy-winning anchor casto crilly. replacing shep van jansen who died. and now here is kelly. >> hello, this is local news were each guest shares a story from wherever they are from. >> it is a great one because it is a mix between kelly christo kelly. over and western virginia where i live some cave divers were spelunking and they got 40 feet under the ground and found an abandoned dog. using salami they dragged the dog else, gave the dog some

water, saved some harnesses, retrieve the dog, rescued the dog, and i just checked with the county animal shelter today. and sparks he has been adopted. >> what a beautiful story. what a beautiful story about the power of salami. >> exactly. >> i was nervous i thought you were going to say that they turned around and walked back in. >> julie, go ahead. >> because i have been spending a lot of time in court the last couple of years i thought i would tell about this one. i have not been charged with anything criminal yet. but justin timberlake and i have something in common. a. his lawyer represented somebody might have been in court with. b. he is in the same courtroom that i will be in on august 23rd for making an illegal u-turn. the bottom line is his license got suspended, this poor guy. 's lawyer who happens to be a bit of a dirt bag, not that i do not know personally, claims he

was sober which is a bunch of bs and everybody saw that he was drunk. he had one drink at the national hotel i frequent there. they do make strong drinks. but it was not the day i made a u-turn. >> joe machi? >> the pittsburgh pirates seeing 55 and 53, at its bryant and then cruise. this will be interesting in pittsburgh. it has constant tension about the gutfeld office as producers tom and brian are mets and phillies fans. and tyrus' red sox are great. i don't have anything to say about that. if you want my predictions for the series. pirates and four. >> the best. tyrus? >> my daughter is at it again in the equestrian velo. we live in new jersey now and we

went to vermont to conquer vermont. she did so and roosevelt and her were added again. this time she did her first jump. jumps against a bunch of experienced jumpers. she finished second did everyone. again, for those of you who do not know her horse and horse's ear is seven years younger. he is running around like he is their daddy. it is possible. there was a standing ovation from all of the professional jumpers on the other side. she was doing her own thing. only a few people were knocked over by me when i was filming. >> i love that. what an expensive sports reporter in. >> actually, after the complete pickup of the crash... >> up next, a great dues are by dating older women.

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>> five more words. >> joe: age gap dating is

popular. type risk, 70 % of people have said they have had a 10 year plus age gap in romances. we are both studs. have you ever dated a younger gal or an older cougar? >> i almost just it. 's. >> you just asked a married man if he dates older or younger women? the answer is no. absolutely not. there is only one for you and when you find that true one you give up. i would dates over fox's if that ever happened. you have to be at least a 71 and up. i am in. >> joe: julie, you have been called a cougar many times in my journal. do you ever date outside your age range of?

>> no, and i do not speak from experience when i say this but i do believe the reason these young men are going over the age of 10 years or older is because they are looking for sugar mommies i do not speak from experience i never have dated anybody that wanted me for money. hopefully i would never marry somebody like that. where was i going? anyways i'm going to go. i should leave. i just think that there are not many men any man more these days and they are going to marry real women because we are like a minute. >> joe: there are three real men on this panel. >> i am so uncomfortable right now. >> joe: charlie. >> this is worse than the ovulation discussion. >> joe: charlie, i will say this the best part about dating an older women as you can break up with her over fax machine.

before you were married i have to say did you ever date a younger... >> i do not know anything about it. i learned it was called hip pocket meet which is pretty interesting. but you go on instagram reels or tiktok and all i want to do is spend time with older people. >> joe: that is a great point. kat, bring us home. >> i just everybody wants super straight, super white teeth. they want that hollywood white smile. new sensodyne clinical white provides 2 shades whiter teeth and 24/7 sensitivity protection. i think it's a great product. it's going to help a lot of patients.

[ ♪ ] thanks to everybody. trace gallagher is next. i love you america. think we have a shot of the capital. ♪ ♪ >> laura: good evening everyone i'm laura ingraham,

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Gutfeld looks at the news of the day through a satiric lens fused with pop culture and features refreshing takes on the day's top headlines from FNC personalities, authors, politicians, veterans and comedians.

TOPIC FREQUENCY

Us 5, Charlie 5, Julie 5, Biden 4, New York 4, Penn 3, Afghanistan 3, Joe Machi 3, Joe Biden 3, Kamala 3, Jen X. Jen Y. And Jen Z. Each 2, Trump 2, Jen Y 2, Jen X 2, J.p. Morgan Wealth Plan 2, Jens 2, Chase 2, Jonathan 2, Google 2, Coventry 2

Notes

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